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posted : Friday, May 28, 2010
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in times like these,
it's either getting all the attention you ever wanted all at one go and the next second, it's all gone, a glass completely empty i'm having mixed feelings about you yet i know you'd just play with my feelings so i should just be playing along but all that dissatisfaction from life i need to rant it somewhere I feel like i have no friends, even my bestie's busy not at all, zero i'm serious. now it's no one to talk to i ask myself: why am i really that hated, unwanted? then it daunts on me. maybe God wants me to feel His presence with me to know that no matter what even during times like these He's always there with me forever and ever more that my one and only friend who sticks by me through it all is Him. I'm never lonely But somehow i still feel lonely. and that i'm only here with my enemies. my homework, constant piles never subsiding i should just close my eyes and pray to really think and feel His presence.. |
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posted : Tuesday, July 21, 2009
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officially an open blog yeahs
that's why when i use the word you, it really doesn't necessarily mean you. |
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posted :
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this blog is officially dead.
chillata.blogspot.com if you, the venturer actually bothers, which i doubt very much, enter if you may. beware, though. |
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posted : Friday, August 8, 2008
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Silly isn't it? To wish upon something that will never come true. Dear God, please, please bring Allie back. She's gone, gone forever. She's left my life. And it's all because of me.
On 2nd August 2008, Saturday, I woke up early at around 7.30am. I took my chinchilla Allie out to play with and put her cautiously on the sofa while I watched Disney Channel. On times like these she would usually watch television with me, remaining still on the sofa. However recently, she had found an escape route from the sofa to the floor and found she found great excitement in escaping, leaving me attempting to catch her. That fateful morning, Allie leaped to the floor once again. As usual, to drive her out from underneath the sofa, I fished out the bunch of long soft twigs, used only for decoration, from the purple vase on the piano and brushed her out. She then completed her daily routine by running across the living room and under the table beside the sofa which her cage was on. Unfortunately, I was feeling especially irate that day and did not hesitate to chase her about six and a half times around the living room and dining room. My mistake. Allie hastily dashed under the sofa, refusing to come out. I tried using raisins, which were her favourite treats, to lure her out into the open space where I could pick her up and place her back in her cage. She was quite obstinate and clearly wanted to stay beneath the sofa. I had to use twigs to brush her out of her hiding place. Why was I so stupid? It wasn't because she was stubborn or anything, but because she was hot and tired. After all, chinchillas originally lived in the wild in the Andes Mountains. Here in the hot climate of Singapore, as well as a thick coat of soft fur, chinchillas are highly prone to heat stroke. Being the idiot I always am, I tried to chase her out still, using more force than I ever did to push Allie out. Finally, I managed to get her out and by then she was so worn out when I put her on my shoulder, I did not even feel her paws grip on me as I usually would have. My anger died down. I put her on my bed and turned on the fan. Seeing that Allie was motionless, I thought that it was only fatigue causing her to act like that. I simply left her lying on my bed while I took a shower. Soon after, my mother noticed something wrong. She had never stayed still like that for so long. We tried putting her back in her cage. Strangely enough, she was so weak she couldn't stand even to walk to her pee pan. She just peed on the ground, still breathing hard. Something was terribly wrong. Mum and I took Allie to the vet. Diagnosed as heatstroke, the veterinarian gave her a cold bath. After about 45 minutes at the vet, we took her home. She was wet from the bath and still not moving. She made no signs of living, other than her faint breathing. Her condition seemed to improve after half an hour and I thought that would be the end of that ordeal. She could then stand, and stumble a few steps, but that was all. However, after a little while more, she could no longer stand again. I started to worry. Sadly, her breathing got weaker and weaker. I was jotting down science notes when my mother suddenly alerted me, "She's not breathing!" "Can't be," I replied. "She was fine a minute ago" I went over to take a look. Only then did my slight worry transform into a sea of pure panic. Just as mum had said, she had ceased breathing. I did not react like those stories in books when they say 'a peaceful silence filled the room and I knew she had taken her last breath. The air seemed to be sweeter now, for I knew her suffering had come to an end'. The air was not sweet at all and there was no silence for I had broken it with my stifled sobs. As I held Allie in my arms and lay on my bed, I wept and cried my heart out. I don't think there could have been a sadder moment in my life. Mum tried to comfort me when I kept saying it was all my fault and that I'd killed her. She said that it was partly her fault too, because she didn't stop me from chasing her. I accepted it sorrowfully, but deep down in my heart, I knew it wasn't anybody's doing but mine. That night, we put her in a zip lock bag, together with her hay, roses, apple sticks, papaya enzymes and all the things she loved. One of my brothers was not at home, so the other one, mum and I put the bag in a box first, said our last words and put the box in her cage. Dad was dozing off. I went to bed and cried myself to sleep. The next morning, my other brother Ben had already been told the news by mum. We taped up the box and mum brought it downstairs, to put with the other bulky items. Soon, the trash guy would come. Upstairs, when I came out of my room, I saw my brother Zach sitting diagonally below Allie's cage and his eyes filled with tears, but he didn't cry. I couldn't help but sob. I probably did that for the rest of the day because when night came, I remember myself still in my room at the same exact place. I still cry, in my heart, when I think of the times when Allie used to listen to me play on the electone, she would sit on it silently and when I was satisfied she would allow me to scoop her up and put her back in her cage. She used to watch television with me, listen to me cry when I was sad and just let me hug her when I was happy. All these things have vanished from my life just like that. Yet Allie taught me many things, like how we should all be selfless and considerate and should always think before we act. I learnt that good things never do last. We should always appreciate someone or something while it is still there instead of taking it for granted that the person or thing will always be there. She taught me that even though one does as one desires, but think about how it will affect others first. Most importantly, she let me know that when something like this happens, I should just move on with life, because there is no use clinging on to sad memories like this. I am still very shaken by the incident and think of Allie often. However, as she has taught me, I have moved on with my life. As of now, at least, I am a happier person, because of my best ever friend, sister and teacher - Allie. |
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posted : Wednesday, July 2, 2008
title :
Looking back at all those days.. I finally realised something - we usually don't notice it when we have great opportunities, then when they're finally gone, only then do we see the truth. But then, sometimes, it's just too late.
I miss those days when I used swim almost everyday and watch hi-five and teletubbies, when i was obsessed with barbie dolls and got my first sylvanian families, and when I hadn't a single worry in life, that is,other than worrying about how I was to get my mom to take me to the playground. Gone were those days when I had those thrilling trips overseas. Thrice to Australia - those ferocious dingos, the themeparks, the shop which sold the most colourful candies I'd ever seen, the wombats, the sight of my first bird's nest, the wombats, tasmanian devils, blueberry pie for breakfast, the five-dollar-make-it-look-like-a-real-pet toy, snorkelling at the great barrier reef,trying to scrape barnicles off the pillars in the sea, the beautiful corals, the sheep-being-shaved-act, the meet-the-looney-tunes-characters time, the bat-man simulator, the cool fresh air of June... Then I thought about all those other trips other than Australia, and started thinking about all sorts of wild stuff.. My first country overseas was Australia, Sydney, then Brisbane, and Sydney again, followed by Malaysia (too many to name), then the Star cruise,in p2, then Bintan Lagoon in Indonesia, then bangkok, korea, hong kong and macau. In Malaysia, wonderful memories in Palm resort are just make me want to go back again. Learning chipping on the damp, short, green grass right after it rained, the air-conidtioned playgrounds and libraries, playing Karem, bowling, milo ice cream minies, kicking undergrown,fallen, coconuts into the tiny gaps within the drains, my first (and currently last) game of squash, played tennis, swam, and too many others to name. Star cruise reminds me of the pretty pink flamingo sitting on my bed right now that my aunt bought for me on the ship. I remember the swimming pool, the everlasting flow of sinful, yummy, food, the wonderful sea view and the board game. That reminds me, My father left my cousin, half a year younger than me, and i at the actvities room, before going off to do his other things elsewhere on the ship. I promised I'd take care of my cousin There,we played board games till we got bored. then I returned the games. since we waited for a really long time and my father hadn't turned up, I decided to go explore the ship. We got lost,as predicted, so I took my cousin up to the cabins, but no one was in. So i went back to all the possible places that i'd be able to find any of my family memebers on the ship and but cousin was crying and i was trying my best to console her. Finally,at the blue lagoon restaurant, I found my aunt , my grandmother and the rest they all managed to keep my cousin from crying. They sorta praised me over and over again, though i knew i wasn't really such a good girl. |
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